Southern Exposures

I am 73. I have a doctorate from Auburn University. I taught for 14 years as a professor in the UNCC College of Education, achieving tenure and emeritus status. I have been published many times–most recently, Angry Heavens, a novel of the Civil War. I am an accomplished speaker. I am an accomplished technology nerd–I can hook up my television to my stereo receiver in at least three days! 

I once knew the inside workings of Microsoft computers and, now I am pretty good with an Apple product. At my house, we have two Apple iPhones, and Apple iPad, and a 5K Apple iMac, an Apple MacBook, and five Apple TVs. I watch television on a Vizio Ultra HD 4k. 

I am a better than average bass fisherman, and hold my own when fishing for redfish in Venice, LA. I have been the captain of at least five boats. (One loses count after a while.) I can navigate Lake Norman in NC and Lake Martin and the Mobile Delta system in Alabama. I have a study filled with awards … OK, not loaded, but a bunch, anyway.

……

With all that said, my day today went like this. I left home at 9:30 to travel 45 minutes to my doctor’s appointment only to find out it was not scheduled for another three weeks. That would not have been so bad, except that I fasted last night, which meant no coffee this morning. On the way home, I called my wife to tell ask her to put the coffee on and got abused for being an old fart who could not correctly read his calendar, which shows up in most of those Apple devices mentioned earlier.

Soon after I got home, I had an Amazon delivery on the porch. Generally, that is a pleasant event except for getting knocked down by my two brutish Brittanys, hoping to get a bite out of the UPS driver’s backside as he walks back to his truck. When I finally picked the package up and brought it back inside, I found that I had ordered two soundbars for the one TV in the sunroom. I guess I did that when I put the wrong date down for my doctor’s appointment.

Of course, as soon as I saw that Amazon box, I forgot to go to the mailbox, which was my primary reason to go out of the front door, to begin with!  My wife got the mail and I got my first royalty check from the publisher from all their book sales. Came to $25.75. I am on my way. Look out New York and Hollywood!

………

There is a point to this. And it is not the ills of being an old fart—a condition to which I readily admit. The point is this: Joe Biden is 77. Bernie Sanders is 78. Michael Bloomberg is 78. Elizabeth Warren is 70.  

No wonder the Dems are in such a mess. People just like me are trying to run for president. And don’t tell me that the Elephants are any better off. Just look at the current dumbass who lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.  He is 73!

I am writing in Pete, Amy, Tulsi, or Nikki–that is. If I can remember to put voting day on my calendar!