By Mickey Dunaway 

Reprinted with Permission by Currents Magazine May 2024| Cornelius, NC

Before joining UNCC as a professor of educational leadership in 2005, I spent 30 years in three states in K-12 public schools, from rural to urban. I was a teacher, coach, assistant principal, principal, deputy superintendent, and superintendent. Over those years, I worked with more than a thousand students, and working directly with many of these students’ parents, I developed a pretty good idea of what usually works in parenting and what definitely does not. 

Wait! Don’t turn the page! I will not spend the rest of this column giving you a list of what I learned. Rather, I want to tell you the story of two mothers’ methods that I directly observed during a return-to-school suspension conference.

As a high school principal in Alabama for a dozen years, I worked directly with parents of all varieties, abilities, and hues. Whenever we suspended a student from school, a meeting with the administrator who suspended the student was required for the student to return to school. The meeting always included the administrator, the student, and at least one parent. This spring morning, I was holding the meeting in the principal’s office—my office. I don’t remember why, but I didn’t usually hold these suspension readmit meetings. Therefore, the reason for the suspension must have been significant if I was directly involved.

I want to describe what I learned from a grandmother, a mother, and a misbehaving student. The lesson was about parenting, and I have always remembered it. Three people walked into my office with three different attitudes. 

The student was quietly belligerent. His mother was simply quiet. The last person to enter was the boy’s grandmother. The grandmother’s demeanor clearly said she was not pleased that her grandson had caused her to report to the principal’s office at 8:00 a.m. this spring morning. As the meeting began, I asked the student to tell us why he was suspended so that I could see he was remorseful and ready to return to school.

To my question, he replied argumentatively that he had been picked on by the teacher, who had broken up the fight and reported him to the office. This sequence of events in our school always meant leaving the school in cuffs and a trip to the police station where he could call his parents. The boy’s mother remained quiet without saying a word about his obstinacy. Such was not the case with his grandmother. She smacked the back of his head and told him in a few well-chosen words to apologize for fighting and to assure Dr. Dunaway that he would not do it again. He stumbled around, and his grandmother intervened again to let him know that insincerity would neither get him back in school nor, more importantly, back in her good graces.

About 45% of our students qualified as eligible for a free lunch. This young man was one of those students. I imagine things were seldom easy for him, but it was no excuse for serious misbehavior. Neither was it easy for our school to hold every student, regardless of poverty or family background, to high standards of behavior and academics. And unfortunately, the mother’s lack of response increased the chances we would see him again. 

But it was just as clear as the meeting progressed that his grandmother was the mother in that family. She mothered two children: one a child and one acting like a child. The grandmother had the most demanding job of all.

The lesson I learned that day was that the mother that all families needed was only sometimes evident. If our school wanted to help our community, as an organization, we had to take the time to identify the grandmother’s power in families where student misbehavior was frequent because, as I found that day, grandmothers have the respect of all their children—especially those students who struggle at home and at school.

On this Mother’s Day 2024, let’s not leave our sentiments to a Hallmark card but genuinely show our appreciation and support for the grandmothers. In my 55+ development, many grandmothers have moved to Cornelius to sacrifice for their extended families. Their selflessness and dedication are admirable and should be noted.

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“My grandmother would say, ‘Make sure you look good. Make sure you speak well. Make sure you remain that Southern gentleman that I’ve taught you to be.’” 

—Jamie Foxx